FOR MORE LOVE

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Welcome to The Anne Cook Collection blog where you can read articles about self-awareness, relationships, and spirituality, pour plus d'amour dans ta vie -

for more love in your life!

Four different ways to light her fire

A guide for men to better understand how to please their woman.

Marcelo Matarazzo Unsplash

Surprisingly, many married men purchase candles from my romance line. A lot of them regularly do fun, new things with their wives, and a massage candle adds another dimension to the night. But some buy in hopes to encourage more intimacy and have said that they wish their wife was open to doing more in the bedroom.


I admit that we women don’t always give you guys the roadmap you need to find all of our hot spots. Sometimes you may think you know what we want, and for a variety of reasons, we can be reluctant to tell you.


Knowing each other's needs, of course, takes communication, but, for many, communicating what we want during intimacy can be hard, even after years of marriage.


I have a fun solution that might help you get more of what you want in the bedroom.


Believe it or not, a lot can be learned and even re-discovered about your partner by reviewing the four basic styles of behavior that come from programs like DiSC, Myers Briggs, and the 4 Temperaments. These give glimpses into fundamental motivations, fears and behavior that can give you clues for new ways to light your wife’s fire without even asking!


I have made it easy for you by breaking it down into a descriptive acronym based on each need. The acronym is, WIKS, and it stands for, the Watchers, the Igniters, the Keepers, and the Starters:


WATCHERS are inward people who spend time in contemplation. They are driven by accuracy and because of this they have very high standards for themselves and for you. They love deeply but do not show it outwardly so they can seem cold and uncaring.


Watchers may have less wrinkles due to a poker face they usually have or they might have worry lines between their eyes from thinking so much or a constant look of concern on their face. Because of their drive for accuracy they spend a lot of time figuring out concise ways to do things and sometimes get paralyzed if they think they can’t do something perfectly.


If your wife is a Watcher, she needs time and assurance from you that she is doing things right. Because of this, she is also very compliant. Understanding that’s a word she probably won’t like (don’t use it), she still wants to be accurate.


Depending on your relationship, you could try having fun with it ahead of time. Leave instructions for her, (or ask her to give you instructions) for something you would like in a fun way. Keep it specific to your relationship and be creative with it. Use your loving approach. Getting and giving instructions for a Watcher can be pleasurable because it takes the guess work out of things and they get a chance for accuracy which motivates them.


IGNITERS are full of energy, passion and expression and bring light to any room. They have very high highs and low lows and can be accused of being bipolar. They talk a lot because they are here to bring light and life to the world. They can burn out from Igniting but are back up before long. Igniters are very intense and want others to share their intensity with them.


If your wife is an Igniter, she will love creativity and impulsiveness. She’s probably a fun loving spirit that has transcended your energy level. In which case, you might try some caffeine or other necessary accoutrements before you are with her (seriously). Try sending her messages in different, creative forms about things you want to do to her before you ever hit the bedroom. She has a great imagination and enjoys thinking about things she will be doing. Any effort to reach out to her goes a long way and she will go through lengths for you to feel loved as well.


KEEPERS comprise a large part of the population. Imagine an Inn Keeper. They are busy keeping your life in order and often put their own needs to the side. Keepers are the most romantic style of all. They are slow to be motivated because there is not a huge sense of urgency in them. They want you to be happy, and therefore may not express their own needs very well, or even be aware of them.


If your wife is a Keeper, she has been using her powers of Keeping to help others and needs recognition for what she’s done. Try sending flowers or a thoughtful card or making her dinner to honor her hard work and dedication and expect no intimacy in return. The purpose for this is to recognize specific things she’s done and how they have made your life better, happier, or more complete just from her efforts. She doesn’t take care of her needs as much as say, the Igniter or Starter does. She does like thoughtful care from you, even if she says she doesn’t want or need it. For instance, you buy the groceries one night instead of her so she can get a massage, or go straight home to relax. Tell her it is because she is always doing the shopping and you greatly appreciate how she works hard to make you different meals every night instead of reading her favorite book. Appreciating her sacrifices for you and the family, (she silently sees it that way), goes a long way.


STARTERS are busy Starting things. They get tired of the same candle and get new ones often. They like challenges and are direct and to the point. They have the ability to see when a new candle is needed while people are still trying to relight the old one with no wax left inside. Because of their ability to start things, they can get bored and can lose patience if people don’t move fast enough for them. Starters can view intimacy as a challenge, a project or goal to complete and sometimes as maintenance to be ‘performed’.


If your wife is a Starter, try making the night a project! One way to lead up to your nights together and get into her mind prior to the evening are short, quick bursts of texts or silly jokes that break her out of her other projects and get her to think of you throughout the day.


Set up a scenario whether it’s a date or a project that she can lead and take time to admire her leadership in that. And just a hint — in true starter form she likes immediate responses for things she does. Verbal praise and recognition for projects she’s completed for the family can add a lot of green to her mental bank and can go a long way during intimate moments.


Until next time,

Stay HOT!